creatingalegacy | } 053 - [VIDEO] - mostly public, one private

} 053 - [VIDEO] - mostly public, one private

[Amanda's got her communicator set up on the itty little dining table in her cabin; she's sitting before it, one injured hand set very gently atop the other. It's nice to have someplace other than a shitty old bed to sit and broadcast from.]

Good thing the distraction worked. I didn't have enough time to build everything up to my standard--especially those fuckin' shotgun gauntlets. Recoil was a bitch.

[Her hands and arms are mottled the same horrible purple they've been for days.]

The bruises haven't faded. If it continues, I'll have to open up my forearms and evacuate the hematomas myself. Not my idea of a good time, but I'm responsible for someone else's safety now and I can't protect her when I'm all fucked up like this.

Anyway, I just wanna say...thanks. To the people who fought alongside me.

[PRIVATE TO LUA]

We need to talk. In person.

Today.

[Pause.]

You're not in trouble. I just need to say a few things.

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[ Lua follows where she's being led, but she's so tense she's almost shaking. It's going to start again. Someone trying to be kind and making all these promises and then giving her nothing that can help her. She should be sick of it now that she knows how it goes, should fight it, but it's not worth it. It's not like this will be more than another couple months, and then she'll stop treating her like this, right?

But nothing's going to be the same after they're over, and if she keeps losing people, where's she going to be? She turns around, brushing Amanda away, and looks up like she's trying to find the words she needs. ]

You shouldn't have to do this.

[ They're not the right ones. She needs more. ]

It's not fair to you.

[Now she's confused, too.]

Wait, what the hell are you talking about? What's not fair to me?

Only way I'm getting out of here is I figure it out myself.

[ There, it's out. ]

[She frowns a little.]

You can't just run away from this place, you know that already. It'll suck you right back in. The only way out is to free yourself, and that's gonna take help and time. I'm not going anywhere.

[She pulls out one of the tiny dining table's chairs for Lua, the one with the food in front of it, before sitting opposite of it. She indicates the open chair, clearly waiting for Lua to sit.]

That's actually the first thing I need to talk to you about, if you'll sit.

[ She does sit, leaning forward on her elbows like she wants to hear what Amanda's going to say as soon as possible. She'll have to keep thinking, break it down smaller, since Amanda still doesn't get it. Even if she doesn't have much hope she will - nobody they get to gets it anymore - she's got to try. ]

Before I say anything else, keep in mind that I've read your file. I know your past, starting with your world and going all the way up until I was assigned to you. You can't shock me or dissuade me with anything, so don't try.

[Amanda leans in as well, looking very serious.]

The first thing you need to know is that I care about you as a person. I'm not going to shove and rush my way through your rehab just to get my deal. You're not a means to an end. You're my friend, and there's no deadline for turning back time in my world. I'm gonna do this right, for you.

[ She lowers her eyes. ]

Thank you.

[ It's not that. Amanda's better than that. ]

Second thing: I'm never going to tell you that you can't love Ladd, or that your graduation hinges on giving that up. That's bullshit, and if any of your previous wardens said that, they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. You can love someone without...condoning or supporting the things they do, as long as you can acknowledge that they wronged you and did fucked-up things. It's about changing the way you love, not killing it off.

[Amanda indicates the sandwich and glass of water with a small twitch of her hand.]

You gonna touch your food?

[ At Amanda's first words, Lua ducks her head down into her hands, fighting off something she doesn't know the right words for. She got it before. If she still gets it about her and John, why would she think any different about her? So she's all right with pretending this one's going to stay.

When she looks up, she still looks sick, but so much of that tension from before has slid out of her. Her hand waves with a little cut like "no" in a late response. ]

Not here, all right? Later?

[ It isn't all she has to say. ]

But no wonder...

It got it wrong.

Got what wrong?

[She wants to make sure she understands everything Lua has to say before she continues.]

If you want to say something, go ahead. I'm not gonna jump down your throat. I want to know what you think.

[ This sounds much harder to say than it should be. ]

Everyone thinks he hurt me, even when they're supposed to know everything about me. So there's something wrong with what they're telling you guys.

He'd never. It's the last thing...

There are different ways to hurt. You can hurt people without putting your hands on them. You can even do it unintentionally; John thought he was doing right by me when he hurt me. Hell, I thought he was doing right by me.

[She lays her hands flat on the table. They hurt less that way.]

This is pretty much the third thing you need to know. I'll never tell you Ladd didn't love you back. I believe he did love you, as much as he was able to love. That doesn't mean he didn't have a fucked up way of showing it, or that it wasn't twisted--but you can acknowledge that and still love him. Like I said, it's about change. Not elimination.

[ She shakes her head; that last should have helped, but she already knows he loves her, that whenever she gets out of there he'll be there, no matter how long she has to wait. This is some serious shit, Amanda, so listen. ]

Then you still don't know.

Anywhere else I'd have gone, I'd have been worse. Done the same things, or worse even.

It's nothing he did wrong.

Even if you would have done similar things on your own, that doesn't make what he did right. If anything, it means that both of you fucked up. That still doesn't mean you can't do anything to make up for it.

[She shakes her head.]

I know you don't want to hear anything against him. I know what that feels like better than anyone else in this place, so I'm not gonna ram it down your throat. We're gonna work together on this. I'll listen to what you have to say and I'll get it.

Then what did he do that was wrong? { She needs to know this, right? If she's going to try and get at what's really going on, she has to figure out how they think he screwed her up. ]

[She shakes her head again.]

Not yet. I want to give you time to think over what I've said before we get our hands dirty. Besides, you're clearly not well and I don't know what's causing it. Think you can fill me in?

[ Lua's eyes start open and she's quiet for a moment. Not the whole truth, not yet. She's going to have to talk with Ed, handle this herself first, make sure they're careful. ]

Been a lot worse. It's just... still hanging on me, I think.

Are you sick? When did you start coming down with it?

[Amanda will get her to eat this goddamn sandwich if it kills her. :| ]

[ She looks to the side, trying to seem more embarrassed than anything else. ]

Death toll lasts longer if you go like I did, that's all.

[ Don't worry about it, seriously, she'll be all right. ]

[Amanda looks like she doesn't really buy that.]

Come to the infirmary with me. I want to be sure you're okay.

We'll go when you finish eating.

It's all right. Just have to wait it out, I think.

[ She starts to eat like she doesn't care what it is: you have to pick what's important to say no to, and hating someone watching her isn't anything if it gives her a shot at keeping Amanda out of this. ]

No, I wanna be sure. You want me to get my arms fixed, right? Tit for tat.

[Amanda, to her credit, fiddles around with her communicator and only looks at Lua discreetly, out of the corner of her eye, when she's not addressing her directly.]

It's my place to look out for you. Make sure you stay safe and well.

[ Even if she's getting some of her strength back as she eats, everything still feels wrong. Someone's trying to take care of her, she should be happy, right? But it's all backwards. There's nothing she can give except the one thing she can't, and you don't take without at least offering something.

She swallows a bite quickly as she searches for what to say. ]

You don't have to, but...

You're not just my inmate, y'know. You're a good friend, and even if I don't have to, I want to.

[She smiles a little at her.]

There's the fourth thing: you don't need to look for someone to protect you anymore. You've got me. I may not look like much, but if anyone lays a hand on you I'll make them regret it. Okay?

No. You can, but...

It isn't right.

[ Not with what Lua gets into sometimes. Not when she brings on her own trouble. ]

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